Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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