eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
and she was petting her beer can
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
