we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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