Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
