ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
i out mim tonsoeep
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