This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
nutella sex= disaster
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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