so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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