I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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