i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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