We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
whose parrot is this?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
