R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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