My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
