There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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