so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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