Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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