And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
