I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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