So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
