I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
