I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
