Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
