It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
