my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
