my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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