You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize