Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
