u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
