When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
