I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
