Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
