anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
