I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
