This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
If I had your ass I would rule the world
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
