The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Randomize
