I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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