I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
