It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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