I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
