So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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