Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
