U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
You pole danced in your parka.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize