The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
