6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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