Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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