She is in my trunk
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
