sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize