i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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