I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
