So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
