If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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