i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
