Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
