I'm pants shitting drunk right now
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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