and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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