I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
