but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
