while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize