She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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