So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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