my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
