Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
