i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
