when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
