3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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