There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
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