it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
