Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
