Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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