and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
