R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
