She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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